I really feel odd

I was reading about a nineteen year old boy who had committed suicide, live. The article was posted on:

I had never known that this subculture of suicides committed online existed. I have heard of some cases but I have not heard of a ‘live’ case before.

I felt really odd. The nature of suicide has always made me question it.

Religion forbids it, cultures can say it is illogical yet some sources find it honorable and acceptable. Though, personally, I really do not find it honorable and acceptable. It really isn’t a case of religion or culture that makes me adhere to this principle though religion and culture may influence me they aren’t really the whole progenitors to my perspective.

I just know that over 90% of people has or still have comtemplated suicide in their own ways; it is always there in my minds to some degree but…it really isn’t prevalent. To say thoughts alone is a person is basically only adhering that anatomy completes man and that is his/her only dimension or even if we hold gender and intelligence alone for being the sole qualities of a person we would be committing a grave mistake.

As Eckhart Tolle said in his book The Power Of Now (which I only read slightly. Yet, it had a great impact from its beginning pages) is that we are not always our minds. To say that we are would be to disqualify our individuality. Naturally, many people think thoughts at times that do not at all relate to who they are; so, we have that “Why did I think that?” syndrome reoccurring within us all the time.

Now, I’m not going to say suicide is just because in my own opinion it is not.

What really made me sad was that Abraham K. Biggs, the nineteen year old boy who committed suicide, was facing the same things I was facing or let’s say facing similar things.

I’m not saying I fully understand his sorrows and worries or that his woes are identical to mine because though they might be similar, they are not same in that sense.

I feel so much like a failure at times that I wish to just disappear and melt away. Or as Faustus said become like drops and become part of one homogeneous ocean. The boys I like NEVER like me back. I wanna be an artist but I cannot draw (I feel I need to try). I feel angry at God at times for putting me in a situation where I cannot draw but wish to be a manga artist: You know what, that feels frustrating as hell!

But then again…there’s that whole unmeasured universe out there. As Sydney Sheldon’s father advised him when he wished to commit suicide that tomorrow is still there to be explored…

But people can most definitely say, ” I’m not living the best of life and the next day feels trapped in a loop of worthlessness, wastefulness and nothingness.” yet, I believe that it won’t always be in that mode of depression and gloom.

I know comparatively to other people my life is a monotonous hell. I am my parents’ only daughter and I live in Bangladesh, which is the worst country to live in MANY a times, so, they can’t help but be over-protective of me. I cannot adhere to the feminine subculture of my country.  People think I’m noisy, stupid, arrogant, vain and a whole plethora of things that are SO NOT ME. Everyone, including myself, believe I fit stereotypical masculine than feminine. People exclude me accordingly and include me accordingly; I’m at the mercy of their tastes. I’m to be ridiculed, avoided from the youth even in my own university. The teachers like me and they become friends of mine rather than my own age-group. At times these things are not reassuring.

I feel that I can try; I think I can become a manga artist if I persevere enough. I just know I need confidence to do it. Because it is important to know that natural talent is never enough to create the artist, we are not prophets or angels, so even with talent alone someone cannot always reach that pinnacle which he or she yearns to reach. Practice and Knowledge completes the basic trinity of the things we need to succeed.

I know that these thoughts I am saying may seem horrendously naive yet many people do strive and attain their dreams, so, in the design of life the guarantee of success has no perfect methodologies.

I just felt bad when I read Abraham’s suicide note. I just think that people around him didn’t realize he was unhappy. I know, sometimes it’s even hard to explain to your dear ones why you are distressed because either it escapes your own perceptions or they feel that it’s just transitory.

The mind is an organic pandora’s box…there is hope.

The similarities that I have with Abraham K. Biggs made me odd and upset. I wish I knew him and I was able to talk to him. Maybe…I know…I just wished there was another way.

For all the friends and family of Abraham K. Biggs I’m sorry for your loss
God Almighty will surely take care of his soul