— who act as they know everything; but when the delivery arrives
never arrives for you, muddled bones and sausage tongued
barely defensive but defensive on the prowl — telling you they are better
in so many ways and telling you that they deserve better
but would not wish the same for you; patterning an apology
yet hierarchical on the sorries as if you pushed them for this
don’t be quiet on this sodomy of your soul
front or back the choots did this because they think they are
yes, better at being non-human. _▬
maybe saying sorry is not enough
you try to be an expert about it
genuine about it but that don’t work
much when other parties refuse
to take responsibility too but
it’s not an egotist blaming rape
of you on you for being too adorable to
resist rather at loggerheads with a friend
where there was mutual consent to lap tongues
and be reverse zeros to tolerance for friends don’t
always look for conformity they look for harmonic chaos. ▬
I have learned the hard way that people do abuse you. In many ways that have socially and culturally and even familially been taught to us. When I think of people abandoning me I think of this mostly. Yes, I did faults and I had hurt them but not on a prolonged account. Nor did it ever get so out of hand. They can have their catharses and tell I am a villain when they continually put me down. And when I challenge them they use tears, accusations, threats, curses and abandonment as their answer. I have never done these. If I cried I said my reasons. If I accused anyone I tried my best to think fairly and I barely pick up and point the finger. I hardly point fingers. I am not a saint nor saviour I know I am a incorrigible sinner. Or as secular society would label me a criminal. I never said I wasn’t. I commit crimes and I accept their full responsibility. Thus it hurts when others commit the same crimes with me that they are forgiven because of stupid cultural beliefs. Some tell me I am being too sensitive when clearly I am not and then they mock my sensitivities or emotions or whatever they want to label it and think it’s so funny. If I do that to them they tell me they won’t talk to me anymore. And even if I apologize after I or ironically they commit an offense I am still not worthy of forgiveness. I am still bad. Really bad. But these people easily replace me too. With other good friends. I wondered if they had them in stock or something because clearly my apologies or even my attempts to redeem myself is never taken into consideration. I can cry. But my tears don’t matter. My heart can crash and break badly. But it’s a 5th world country my heart while they are on 1st class A grade status and I can’t surely complete with that. It’s easy to blame others. I try not to. I try to blame myself. But others don’t do this especially when it concerns me. Yes, I did try to think if it was me, just me and these people have duped me for a long time making me think it was me. And it hurt. It was for a long time. Count years. Months. Minutes. Seconds of excruciating self-hate, tears and a desire to live without living. Yeah, some pushed me there but I realized it wasn’t always me. Some people do not care to examine themselves at all — lol, et al. And then they kick and pinch whatever they find closest. And yes sometimes I have done really BAD THINGS and spewed vitriolic as they said. But guess what I tried to curtail the damage, give a reason maybe not a good one for my actions. I wish they would hear me out. If I hurt someone badly I will try to make it right. Once I made my Aunt, precious Aunt, who stays a lot with me, CRY BADLY. I was being mean to her even as she was crying. But then I realized what a fuck I was being. I really felt HORRIBLE. At what a fuck I was being and I tried my BEST to make it RIGHT. Well, it was mostly my mom who made her cry but that was not the point I contributed to her misery by being a FUCK and I tried to DO by her the good thing. She was KIND enough to listen to me and forgive me and I will try NEVER forget that. But here’s the deal. Many people don’t listen at all. My Aunt valued our friendship too. If she wanted she could have given excuses and understandable ones not to mix with me anymore but she did not do that. And there are people who don’t listen. Who kick you out of their lives and when you go after them they find it okay to just ignore you until you don’t exist anymore. To me that is a pinnacle of cruelty. Guess what I do exist and your ignoring me won’t change that like me wishing the rain will just disappear or the tide will ebb away now won’t work out and I just am pissed at people getting away with abject cruelty.
It’s not fair to anyone.
Sometimes, the act of friendship is difficult and really so exposed and there that it is hard to understand. I have lost friendships before but usually it was the other person’s problems with me that initiated the so called breakdown. Either it’s talking too much or not talking at all, to not talking the right things or the wrong things I don’t get some people at times. I remember that one friend systematically avoided me for two years and my efforts to patch the friendship were soon tired. If I did wrong I would like to be sometimes told because we do not always know and if I should know then give me the chance to make it up to you. It so happens that some people when resolved to do certain things will do them despite the reasons or non-reasons behind them. And you can’t always change their views about that and don’t take it so hard on yourself if you can’t because seriously all you can do is sincerely apologize in a fight or misunderstanding but other than that you can’t do anything else. Quite recently, an old friend of mine stopped talking to me; I made her cry by being harsh to her and I accept that I should have been more controlled and coherent about these things. But then when I sincerely apologized she still decided to end things with me. I understood that maybe I had hurt her a lot but I wished that there could be some resolution amongst us but these things need both parties not just one. I am also tired of always bringing out the olive branch in fights — I know miscommunications happen but it is usually left to me, even when I did do nothing wrong, to bridge gaps, say sorry, put some bandaids on the cut. Some time back a friend and I had an argument; instead of keeping it personal he decided to blog about it and though he made me anonymous he represented me to be a bit idiotic and seemingly did not get what I was saying. I blasted at him and was mean to him and his expression was a “meh” — his “meh” really hurt me because that is what many people I know do; they mostly put their own subjective/objective views and feelings before others. At that point, I realized he couldn’t be my close friend because he was closed off from me both cerebrally and emotionally because any friendship requires that but he was pretty stubborn to act as though nothing had happened. Truth be told even if I had stopped being friends with him then and there I don’t think he would’ve cared because in a way he is always surrounded by people to a certain degree so he doesn’t need the friendship with me. How people evaluate and value friendships are hard to tell or understand at times; that is why he falls in love with films and movies even like Brokeback Mountain because love and friendship there happens more easily and by this I don’t mean there are no difficulties but if we put those two men in real life context you’ll see that even the sex might come to them easier than the love. In fact, the dialogues that they both eagerly participate in might even take ten years to happen. We like many romances, slices of life dramas and even action movie because they translate things easily. You want a drama that takes reality’s pace more or less see Lost in Translation; it’s not mainstream nor is it easy to watch nor is it direct dialogue heavy. You can even see Fight Club for that to some extent because the love between the protagonist and Tyler is hard to understand. Sexually, Tyler wants the girl but as a full fledged relationship he wants that with the protagonist ending with that odd woman to be his biggest rival. Those are difficult things to deal with and not pretty; the saddest parts in Lost in Translation is the parts where Johannson is all alone and just watches a sense of nothingness outside and we hear that hollow in the room reverberate and it can scare. It’s very sad indeed. Sometimes my heart gets too filled, it screaming but all around its perfect quiet with white noise and warm light. When I feel a friendship failing it feels like that. I don’t know people as intimately as I want to — I wonder if anyone has had these same desires as well. To know people more than not know them.