Slights or the inconveniences of childhood

There is something about a “slight” — you know a slight happens because it was always sideways aggression. It has been around and you sort of meandered into it. I have faced this gesture before, this action: in all explicitness, it is both “gesture” and “action”, both nonverbal and verbal. Slights are gestures as in they are meant to gesticulate a form of forced negativity. An action as it is subconsciously present and soon consciously put into a form of practice. I had understood I had been slighted by a bunch of undergraduate students at a party. And I know why this had happened. It happened for many reasons: one is considering intelligence, the other is social magnetism and the other is a perceived insult.

To talk on “considering intelligence” is to extrapolate on ideas about how odd you may think another person’s “nerdiness” or “geekiness” is. If you have perceived intelligent you may easily ostracised or rather a good talker in conversations. Now, I am not being egotistical but being considered nerdy or geeky can be a considerable threat to people who are still learning to learn their own skins and flesh. And being able to communicate ideas effectively is also considered a big deal. Especially if you are a migrant, especially if you are there to help make a framework of privilege, when that is defied people are automatically threatened.

I am South Asian. I have an americanised accent. I am a geek and nerd who is comfortable around strangers in a party and able to talk to them. Without the drink. I can act zany and be in tune with who I am. Also, I am much older but I apparently never look that age.

This is perceived threatening to people. I am an odd creature. I am like a somnambulist in a crowd of dreamers.

And so they decided to ask me multiple times to come to a club with them. I agreed.

When the time came they left without me.

And then when I just said “hi” on facebook they proudly stated they went.

It was a slight if not fully intended. It just was in their minds. They didn’t like me. I am good as a theory (they wanted me to hook up with a dude, I specifically said “are you trying to ship me with him?” they said “yes”) but I am not palatable as a praxis (seeing me with a bar with them).

I write this because you may be slighted not because you are an undesirable but rather you may have traits that are desirable to a certain point. People, I was told, liked to bold, chivalric and interesting without having to giggle, drink and play the clown. However, this doesn’t happen easily rather it takes a lot of few to get down to it. So, if anyone defies this logic it is a threat to a person’s way to function through that precarious position of partying and socialising.

I did not write them to elevate my status or condescend anyone. I wrote it as I was once bullied so much it was good to know that exclusion, as in social exclusion, is not really someone’s fault. After all a collective is not an individual’s choice. It is the choice of the collective. So, many a times, you are not responsible at all for being not accepted. It just happens.

Crossing a 100 followers :D

 

When I started this blog at around 2007/08 I did so because I was experimenting with blog types. During that time the most popular blog services included My Space and Blogspot/Blogger and were considered to be efficient. Actually, this was true. WordPress was a minimal service provider at best. It had very limited themes that were simplistic in nature (though Vigilance, now a retired theme, is one of the best free themes I have ever used). So, naturally, I did not use it much. Blogger was the place that I first started blogging so I was using that. Yes, but it would be non-truthful to say the following: Blogger may have a log of blogs but its navigational tags and community were a bit limited even if there are a lot blogs on that platform even now. Its customization is free and very tactile and easy to use.

In 2009 and 2010 WordPress started really turning up the notch in its blogging capacity. It supplied themes, Freshly Pressed content and also a good navigational window to tags and categories. Basically, I think it started incorporating the My Space concepts more intensely with the blogging experience. It was a win. This time Blogger waned out and became quite unproductive. Its ugliness was its non-innovation, and laziness of such a capacity was showing. I got fed up with Blogger, here WordPress was bringing out themes and doing what it can to make certain improvements in turns of code, style, design and tactility of the popular blogosphere but Blogger was complacent with its former skills which was now not being able to adapt to the top-notch enhancements of the current interwebs. I am all for antique/retro things. However, lack of passion and interest shows so I finally decided to come fully into WordPress. Though now WordPress charges many good themes are very pricy and even Custom design is $30 so it can be a bit problematic at times.

I did kinda blog hop a bit too in a way. My old blog on WordPress was obsidianfactory.wordpress.com and it served greatly. So, when did I come here? Or, why did I come here? Simple. I migrated “desks” because I thought this “wood”  was a sturdier build for the moment. Elaboration: I liked the name “Iconography ♠ Incomplete” so I thought why not? It was a a creative whimsy but also something I think suited me for the time. Though I do also identify still with “Slices of ♠ Ink” — we can have one long name can’t we :)?

It was very frustrating for me to write at times. I won’t lie. I wanted feedback to my writing. Constructive criticisms and also I wanted to know if anyone enjoyed my writing. That was, and still is, very important to me. Writing is so essential to me it’s part of my blood and breath. I sometimes used to get mad because I thought no one was reading what I wrote. We do write to be understood, recognized and also to form a sense of acceptance. I am not going to boast and say my writing is the best as “best” is a reflected on personal contexts. However, there were times when the criticism was not about my grammar or readability per say but my personal style was always under fire. I got mad. I won’t lie. It may be immature but some pieces were experimentation and also an exercise in trying out things. From what we call storytelling, oral storytelling, fabulistic, inner narrative or interconnected narrations, Modernism and Postmodernism, fragmentation, stream of consciousness or surrealism and layered modulations. So, when I was trying out new things even if they are called common or esoteric or eccentric or popular I wanted to understand and stitch it or try it out. There were complaints and some even cost me some friendships — not my arrogance but rather I tried to be honest and tried to ascertain things. It’s ok. When I seriously tried to apologize and say that if I was wrong or did something really wrong can you forgive. Some haven’t still and may never even if I pursued them because they have probably made up their minds not to talk to me. What some people said infuriated me because they didn’t give my tone a chance. They wanted me to write in “normal” ways which was a bit difficult at times because at times ideas are different. Executions are different too. I am not  making excuses for myself sometimes I am very difficult but I do try to apologize to whatever stuff I do wrong. By wrong I do mean fight between friends but not always concerning writing. I guess we all are difficult at times (me and my Mom have such difficult squabbles two or three days because we sometimes communicate in different patterns but we do converge and that’s also how friendships are).

So, I first Thank Allah Almighty, because I went through a lot, emotionally, mentally and physically to write. No I wasn’t sequestered from education or society but because I am a bit weird I was a bit of  a loner and I had depressions and even now I suffer from dissatisfaction. I am quite Blessed by Allah Almighty to have all the food I need and other material basics. I don’t have a hungry plate. But, spiritually and personally I do get hungry at times to explore and do other stuff. I know this requires me to challenge myself more and be open to challenges. Explore and study all I can. My Faith in Allah Almighty helps me a lot because I have faced a lot of difficult people whose stubbornness to remain unforgiving and also misunderstand me have hurt me. Yes, I misunderstand too but when I realize that I am being a total jerk I try to understand like some people also do. There are others who have already categorised you by your height, weight, age, religion, skin colour, race, class, nationality and personality that is very hard to embrace a possibility of interacting besides a few hellos and silences in which contempt, a basic form of bullying, and snickering and criticism are always ways to avoid someone entirely. I have been guilty of this crime too in some cases but I did try to make it right or say lessen but emotional terrorism is too ingrained in many social structures and people associated very closely in it and within in.

Getting to 100+ subscribers is a very big treasure for me and I Thank Allah Almighty wholeheartedly because you people are there. You read and liked and I even was introduced to your splendid works and life and I really wanted that. It is a treasure that I do know you guys, some a lot and some a little, but I hope that changes and really it is so nice to know that there are such talented people out there who gave me time. Thank you all so very much — <hugs hard all the people who read, liked and subscribed> — it means so much to know that you are there and here with me in my journey. I hope I can make equal contributions to your journeys as well and learn and understand and each other more in the future.

I hope I can walk further and do more May Allah Bless…