Slights or the inconveniences of childhood

There is something about a “slight” — you know a slight happens because it was always sideways aggression. It has been around and you sort of meandered into it. I have faced this gesture before, this action: in all explicitness, it is both “gesture” and “action”, both nonverbal and verbal. Slights are gestures as in they are meant to gesticulate a form of forced negativity. An action as it is subconsciously present and soon consciously put into a form of practice. I had understood I had been slighted by a bunch of undergraduate students at a party. And I know why this had happened. It happened for many reasons: one is considering intelligence, the other is social magnetism and the other is a perceived insult.

To talk on “considering intelligence” is to extrapolate on ideas about how odd you may think another person’s “nerdiness” or “geekiness” is. If you have perceived intelligent you may easily ostracised or rather a good talker in conversations. Now, I am not being egotistical but being considered nerdy or geeky can be a considerable threat to people who are still learning to learn their own skins and flesh. And being able to communicate ideas effectively is also considered a big deal. Especially if you are a migrant, especially if you are there to help make a framework of privilege, when that is defied people are automatically threatened.

I am South Asian. I have an americanised accent. I am a geek and nerd who is comfortable around strangers in a party and able to talk to them. Without the drink. I can act zany and be in tune with who I am. Also, I am much older but I apparently never look that age.

This is perceived threatening to people. I am an odd creature. I am like a somnambulist in a crowd of dreamers.

And so they decided to ask me multiple times to come to a club with them. I agreed.

When the time came they left without me.

And then when I just said “hi” on facebook they proudly stated they went.

It was a slight if not fully intended. It just was in their minds. They didn’t like me. I am good as a theory (they wanted me to hook up with a dude, I specifically said “are you trying to ship me with him?” they said “yes”) but I am not palatable as a praxis (seeing me with a bar with them).

I write this because you may be slighted not because you are an undesirable but rather you may have traits that are desirable to a certain point. People, I was told, liked to bold, chivalric and interesting without having to giggle, drink and play the clown. However, this doesn’t happen easily rather it takes a lot of few to get down to it. So, if anyone defies this logic it is a threat to a person’s way to function through that precarious position of partying and socialising.

I did not write them to elevate my status or condescend anyone. I wrote it as I was once bullied so much it was good to know that exclusion, as in social exclusion, is not really someone’s fault. After all a collective is not an individual’s choice. It is the choice of the collective. So, many a times, you are not responsible at all for being not accepted. It just happens.

happy go lucky slut


it’s pretty obvious; that I am being jerked around
incomplete personified in an empty parched void
rambling on as the rabble-rousers succeeds
in gaining sympathy while I am scrapped and feed on scraps —
I am not a marionette of maternity or paternity blues
I do not menstruate or ejaculate to toss and turn in fetid sleep
while you, an interloper, a declared outside-sheep prey on
wolves and grass and get away sheepishly into some day or night
or fray and I pray to God Almighty for a save because it is excruciatingly,
lucidly simple that I wish to tear the throats of all the so-called clean I had
for when it so clean it shines and blinds and then no one puts you on a chair
you are a deemed ascetic and put on a stool so that you can put on crap and
pleasantly smile into an abyss solidly crafted as a wall and a hard place; rocks
substituted teeth of yours that you gnash in an accumulated pattern on passive-aggression.

I do not lie, I was happy to help, to love, to hug —
but you made it less by taking the notice of it as a half-full, half-empty gesture…▬

Conduits of ♠ Me

Ruins in Twilight
Image via Wikipedia

Your slick negligence
makes propriety to be vain
you think for better or worse
you are better than me

for you have excelled
and I have inhaled the fumes of  less higher achievements
you are brain and I might have been brawn
but my cerebral euphoria cannot lag into that
I have been like you
with a temperament different
not agressive opposites
so like the same

yet you were chosen to have glory
while I am cemented in a sponge
tacitly absorbing
yet too melancholic for the plunge
at right angles, at 180° or 360°
we have both spun the abstract gray matters
the concrete cells
yet you flew from the cage
and myself  laid
a grilled bar in my spine
Inhibiting catalysts from springing onto clear blue sky

how unfair it is
that we sang the same songs
yet you flew
and I stayed
rotting with the same migraines
clipped wingless by life
who had ignored to care for a while…