Writing Till Now

Sometimes, I don’t know how am I still doing it. All the writing. I wonder what it will lead to. I am actually uncertain. I don’t know if my writing possesses any value, as in, any integral value. All I know is to write. There is nothing else I know or truly possess. Is it an auto-generative inheritance? Or, something I have inherited without the clause to the roots to the DNA of the heritage? Or, maybe it has been both both. A multifarious of items. All I know is how to write. Nothing more. Nothing less. Maybe, more. Maybe less. Yet, in which capacity? I am not sure of. 

When I started writing here so many years ago, I was quite the optimist. I guess we all begin with some sense of optimism if not necessarily obligation. I don’t think I have been a success here as I have wanted? Or, has it been that how I was thinking was not necessarily curated to my own needs? No. That is not entirely true. I had written so much back then. My whole heart was an outpouring of writing and I felt very happy knowing that I could do it. This writing. Even if not masterful (sometimes so subjective) was definitely my own little place in the woods. A clearing. A forest. An ocean. Things I could do with my writing that seemed impossible with everything else.  

Everything else was a whole category that still remains unsorted. I don’t really know what I want from life even now. It seems archaically silly, clichéd, stereotyped — those forms of crises you read about all the time and wonder why people feel that way. Then begin to feel yourself. In one way, you are not a freak. You are still human. Even if it seems some days your humanity is as tethered as a cloud by your window. That ancient balloon that you think of with thoughts and imagine shapes and still can’t understand why you can’t fill it up with the helium with your own desires. Hear that squeakiness of the whole thing and even if it seems super funny to others — you wish to keep it for yourself. 

I understand writing for yourself is important. You cannot really feed yourself entirely on the validation of others. In a way, that is surrogate cannibalism — surrogate cannibalistic modes of engagement; fleshed up with someone else, them eating you and you eating them. Wanting validation. Craving it. I understand. It’s important. Yet, it’s not a subsistent crop. Not the meat you want on top. It doesn’t always work out the way you want. I keep on reminding myself because when you are starved it feels any dish would do; though, there is a reason you have a palate and a tongue, the muscles, the cheeks, the kinds of teeth you are meant to have. Not every dish can do. It just won’t suffice. 

The world online is much crowded and murkier than it was at least 20 years ago. Online interactions do not verbatim copy the verbal, the non-verbal, the etiquette you were once used to even in the last 5-10 years. And, etiquette is not universal. Netiquette, as it has been called, can vary in spaces. And, in online social media spaces, it varies tenfold than in actual geographical spaces. One of the main reasons? We don’t really to have deal with people do we? Not in the same way we have to deal with people even in the workplace. You can’t just block an annoying colleague on the go nor can you suddenly give an expletive and run off. There are more immediate consequences to what you are doing. So, you are more apt and careful. Even if being impulsive is your default, you know, you can’t do that always on the face-on-face level. Street-on-street level. Desk-by-desk level. Bullying exists but you will notice in the world of bodies it is more aptly felt, recognised and alerted. 

It is hard to write online too. Your audience may be larger, more global than local, but how do we know how much global it is? How much local it is? The cheerier days of the global village have been put on hiatus: or in oldspeak net — revamping/reconstruction for a few days. Before Web 2.0, it was harder to even imagine doing short term word changes without unplugging something. When I first came upon WordPress, it was still relatively less advertised and unknown (LiveJournal still holding some cards), with a minimum set of themes. It’s .org program may have been used countlessly on many independent websites but it was not the hosting giant we know of today. Now, I am introduced to a new Block Editor (hoping it allows me to write in the fonts I chose for my website and not some default it chose for me. Ironically, 3 months ago this was possible). 

Signalling back, I am stating that because of the many choices we have, because of how many different changes to mediums of expression, life, lifestyles, growth in certain sectors and the rise of many social media fandoms, writing online has become both easier and harder. You can feel pressurised to conform, be bullied, be critiqued without apology, have a person spam you with less consequences and you may still persist, with a chip on your shoulder. Albeit, the optimism have somewhat dimmed though it may brighten again soon. I should be writing more now. I have more free time now. Yet, there are things that do not come to me as easily as they did before? Is it a writer’s block? Partly. Partly, perhaps I am curating and censoring myself. There may a need in me now to choose more quality over quantity though for me I would like to think I always managed a good enough if not the best balance of it. 

I want to still keep on writing many things. I know I can. I know I will. This is not arrogance or mere wilfully, nonchalant confidence. It is a blessing. And, experience. I have been doing this for so long. I been doing doing for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. Yes, there may be milestones I am missing. I am not going to say that there has been no struggle; that the reason of doing it and the weight of giving up haven’t loomed over me. It has. More than once. That I haven’t achieved what I wanted so what was the point? The use? Is it because I did for so long that giving up would mean I wasted so much? So, I am stubborn because I don’t want it to be a waste? 

Well, that kind of stubbornness is useful in writing even if there is so much waste. I mean, I don’t think it is polluting the environment much. Nor, has it polluted my own life. However, it has most certainly NOT been a waste. Whatever I have written. Whatever I have continued to write. It has shaped a lot of me. Shaped a lot of who I am and who I will be. Things have changed. Things have not changed. My writing has stayed the same but also grown. It has made new branches and nodes of engagement and involvement. I like what I write even if it is not the best subjects out there. It is not merely only I can write this, from my point of view, but because I know this need and want in me to write is unique to me and won’t come again and it is me and no one else. 

I still don’t know if it is important. If it has any integral value. I am sure this uncertainness is part of a process. Gradually, I might be reaching a destination I am not fully aware of and if it’s great then I cannot be happier. It is easier to have a meteoric rise and then fall and decimate the dinosaurs of your expectations. The evolution and extinction, the unchanged and the stellar qualities of my writing may still be going on. I can feel that strength in me. 

Perhaps, right now, here and now, I am where I need and wish to be. Even if the stars seem unfamiliar and the course a bit rougher, it is where I am destined and worked to be. You can’t tether clouds to your window because you are not meant to see only through one window. 

beauty in you

I will bridge you with the birch
between our tongues; cloister
my speech as though it was
a language you know and I toast
yours as my own.

lexicon our saliva and nodes
and finger my spine with yours
do you see the wetting of my eyes
do you know how to rotate yourself?
The slickness of appetite
rouses up in my belly
and throat

which offers itself as cups to drink
do not mistake this as obedience
and I will not mistake yours
as entropy.

Tied to the larynx
met with the hungry mouth
of dialogues as the sexes unite
an acrhway cathedrals its way up
towers its way down and the minarets
lay the tone.

coupled in between our lashes
we kiss uncontrollably.—

Perseverent

I haven’t written
And, I haven’t chosen to be written;
though I am written in leaves and blood
and the mud — snapping with teeth
like the branches of the woods

Oh, youth, you made me feel fresh

And immortal

Not a serving of flesh cased behind a bone
and all the bone is chewing to break out
to now what it cannot know, now

I wanted so much to know what it was like to write
to have known if I had written anything of any value

I am writing as I will always write
clutch my blood next to the quilled ink
sparrow along the ridges and dominant the
lull of the breath; stay passive at the apex of the muscle

I will knead into me a belonging in poetry
as the bread knows the yeast and the sky knows the sun.—

ennui-tonic

this import of aggression that ennui had made
worsted and winnowed into a fine parable
that only I can share; I who hold the bones
and the crosshairs of my skeletal affixations

this tire which is smoothened and crinkled by the night
whose gaze is not a penetration by a clitoral malady
and not a sufficeless prefix that pretends to bode well

there is a feeling, as I said in the last verse, an endless beginning
or a ending without any beginning. I am obsessed with ennui and boredom
because I do not know if life was an egg for me or already a chicken
whose paleontology I studied in some slaughterhouse on some heap
and made up crude names for its near-extinction. Yes, near extinction…

for we have domesticated life and the simulacra of domestication continues
you may say I too sometimes become manifestation of such a domestication
where culture restricts my sex to either so-called modesty or so-called openness

for the Venus De Milo is a nude without arms  and the Mona Lisa is always a
guesswork in progress. Caught between the Madonna and the Whore of Old
wondering which path I can take and knowing so forging my own takes more courage
it takes a certain kind of loyalty which is civil disobedience but there is Walden I can

retreat to feeling that there would be no taxation upon my sex and gender; even if I bide as a conscious gynandrous of sorts. I do not like to be bound as bondage portraits nor fixed as a saint. I want a messy me; getting tired of being a pendulous predictable.▬

Along the Edge — Trailer – YouTube

 

I actually played this game and well I am not completely writing a review as of yet. But here’s some basic stuff. This is STILL SPOILER HEAVY.

In this interactive novel and game you can have like 4 types of changes to the main character. They are a baseline from which all other achievements are unlocked. The 4 bases are (not in order): Cartesian Mind: This one was not at all that interesting. It only depends on how many types you get the “globe” and “blue sun” together. In this Daphne is happy that she has become a more matured and adult person. She gets the glasses and the fringe, puts her hair up in a bun. Also, she keeps her job at the school and is no longer a substitute but a full time teacher. This ending means you must not be believing in your magical legacy and so you are nice but as the title goes you act scientific. This is also one of the endings you can get back with your ex-lover, Frank. It just shows you settled in your position and life. In some form of responsibility. Though it is the most boring ending. You can have Stan in this ending. You can end up by yourself if you want as with ALL THE CHOICES. Eulogist of Progress: This is a better version of the earlier base. You actually get further in your career in the school. You become its director of the school; though this means you won’t be in good terms with Jean Chastenet the previous director whom you are replacing. Though, personally it is not so much of a big deal. This base depends on the “globe” and the “red moon” markers. It means you are steadfast, aggressive and have passion. Which apparently doesn’t work for Frank. Even if you are together with him he says pretty irrelevant things to break up with you. But even by the end you can choose to be with Stan. This is one of the routes where you can a fling with Stan right away and wake up in the morning and talk. These options are regardless if you are with Frank or not. And trust me if you are going this route and did a lot to avoid Frank as in show no interest the dude still gets hostile (as I said he gets intimidated). This base gets you the short, blonde hair. Heart of Darkness: This is when you choose the magical path but also a path of mostly aggression (sometimes just plain personal ambition). This requires more “Star” and “Red Moon” markers. You will eventually get black hair. You will know you are going this route when you see Daphne start to side-part her hair (same for the previous base too). This is also the one where you get silver highlights initially for a reason. In this path you don’t get with Frank and he criticises you choosing magic over him (like a bitch ass he is). You can get Stan and he things you look good. The problem in this path is not so big; it just meant you choose some aggressive options you get the magic path. Like you are also at times a bit cocky and arrogant (less so than Frank).This is also the oath where you can have a fling with Stan right away and be a bit mean to others with your witch status. Though personally this is considered a dark ending like Eulogist of Progress I didn’t necessarily feel so. I mean if you saw how some people acted with Daphne you would probably think why she didn’t just hex them right away. Prodigal Daughter: This is also the magical path. To be honest despite the game boasting there is no “good” and “bad” to the decisions in their storyline you can see that this is possibly the best ending for Daphne in the story. You get the platinum white hair, you also get silver hair highlights before that. No side parted mean face (though I love that style of Daphne) apparently for Cartesian Mind and this ending you need Daphne still having a hairstyle where her falls on both her shoulders (like the picture of her wearing a brown jacket and black blouse). You need to get the “star” and “Blue Sun” markers in this one more than the rest. This is one of the endings where Daphne can patch things up with Frank (why someone would want to beyond achievements is kinda testy as I said he is a bitch). You can as usual get with Stan too. It is not much different from Heart of Darkness it just means you were using the magic for both yourself and have interest also the community. Which is important. You inherit your magical legacy and the people of the village respect you. Like Heart of Darkness this is one of the endings where Yves Malterre can officially make up with one of the people you also love.

YOU CAN STAY SINGLE IN ALL OF THEM. IN ALL OF THEM YOU CAN HAVE THE CHOICE TO PURSUE BOTH STAN AND FRANK. IN ALL OF THEM YOU CAN ALSO BECOME BEST FRIENDS WITH SOLENE MALTERRE, STAN’S SISTER AND YVES’S DAUGHTER. IN ALL OF THEM YOU CAN UNVEIL YVES FOR HIS ABUSIVE AND DICTATOR LIKE BEHAVIOUR IN THE VILLAGE OR MAKE AMENDS WITH HIM. YOU CAN ALSO IF FOLLOWING MAGIC ROUTE TAKE REVENGE

. I AM USING the PRONOUN YOU AS YOU PLAYING AS DAPHNE hehehehe

Stan is available as your new love no matter what route you take.

Frank is only available for Cartesian Mind and Prodigal Daughter. Frankly, pun intended, he is the WORST character in the game and I wished in all of the options I could make threats at him. Even when you don’t pursue a relationship with him he starts acting bitchy and putting accusations on you. Even if you accept them and wanna work things out he wants to leave. Even if you chose Prodigal Daughter or Cartesian Mind he cordially makes an exit but well he still tries to propose to you (this depends if with Stan you ask to wait and break things with him). And if you genuinely tell him there is someone else he still bitches and I am seriously thinking how passive aggressive and trying to act domineering this asshole is. Even when you choose magic he doesn’t wanna believe in it and seems to think it’s great you are finally following family history. Not to mention from the get -go if you choose him he immediately tries to make your inheritance like his cosy place. Not to mention he may be happy you just “became occult” to stop your Phd in Mathematics or became a small-time teacher for it. If you become involved in your person quest to become a witch or become your way to director he become intimidated and starts acting awful. Like BS on some of the things he says. Frank is an awful piece of shit in this game and I wished I could punch his face. Frank also talks badly about Stan without knowing him and implies jealousy that Stan seems rich :/

Stan is the BEST. STAN IS THE BEST CHARACTER. The guy helps you. Acts a bit cocky but he is playful and dedicated to you as Daphne. You can easily become dedicated to him. Stan is already wealthy enough. Even if you start a fling/relationship with him and end it he doesn’t get pissed off. In fact, he gets unhappy and a bit sharp but never unpleasant. In fact, he respects that you may wanna take time if he senses or sees Frank in the picture. When you choose magic or even confrontation with Yves Malterre he actually supports and encourages you. Stan knows his father is a douchebag. In fact, he also is miffed at him, rightfully so, for ruining his sister Solene’s life to an extent. Though he wants to him her recover. He actually is a good supporter though he is unemployed takes care of his nephew and is a good parental role model. How he talks to you and others is never negative. Even with Daphne’s other family members. Stan is happy when you as choose him. Trust me. In all paths you wanna choose a guy like this. Best part is Stan also gives you the impetus to understand and even lets you cry on his shoulder when he knows you are overwhelmed and really in a bad place. He doesn’t take advantage of it either. He actually flirts with you, is playful and seductive but he also does these things in the good and best nature of actually liking you. If you want you can tell him to wait and he will even if you break up with him. This is because he saw or knew Frank maybe still around. In fact, the only reason you may postpone things is because that stupido ex hangs about like a leech. Get this the other douche also at one point gets into your house even if you say no. Stan doesn’t stay the night if you show hesitation or even you say hey can we take this slow. Yeah, he gets disappointed and acts a bit blunt but he never said ANYTHING DISRESPECTFUL TO YOU. Stan is one of the best characters in this game. One of the most decent, familial and seductive ones. You love him for his beautiful heart and looks. Yeah, he is the wealthy guy but it seems you are in a better position than him. Unlike, Frank you seemingly is interested in also your cash (it kinda is implied) Stan isn’t. Stan just loves to be with you and you genuinely, as Daphne, wanna be with him.

IN ONE PART OF THE GAME HOW YOU BEHAVE WITH BOTH MEN DETERMINES IF YOU GET HEART OF DARKNESS OR EULOGIST OF PROGRESS DEPENDING IF YOU WELL KEEP STAN AND DON’T TELL FRANK. THOUGH THE DIFFICULTY OF THIS IS BASED ON IF YOU STARTED A RELATIONSHIP WITH FRANK AGAIN. YOU CAN BREAK UP WITH FRANK IF YOU ARE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER OR CARTESIAN MIND ROUTE BUT WELL THE THING IS HE WILL ACT LIKE A BITCH NO MATTER WHAT IF YOU TELL HIM TRUTHFULLY THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE. BUT IN THE OTHER TWO BASELINES FRANK BECOMES A MAJOR BITCH AND SAYS MEAN THINGS TO YOU SO YOU BREAK UP WITH HIM VIA A FIGHT WHERE HE SAYS MEAN ASS THINGS, ACCUSES YOU CHEATING (EVEN IF YOU DIDN’T) AND THEN TRIES TO ACT “GOOD” THOUGH HE GLARES AS A BITCH AND THEN LEAVES YOU ALONE. STAN ON THE OTHER HAND ALWAYS A QUIRKY COMMENT TO TELL ABOUT YOUR NEW HAIRSTYLE AND TAKES REJECTION WITH DIGNITY AND COMPLETELY ELATION IF YOU CHOOSE HIM. STAN WINS.

Some other characters (who might be main) and their purposes:

Yves Malterre: the primary villain in the novel/game. Yves is after you. The Malterres and Delatours have a feud which runs deep in the occult. You can make peace with him in the game or you can out him. However, when you out him he may still kill himself. It all depends what choices you make and how he actually takes them. Yves is also in a way responsible for a tragedy in your past. Yves is a bit of an asshole but he seemingly does at times seem genuinely repenting. You can agree to choose his apology or forgive him as well as a leeway to peace.

Clothilde Malterre: Yves wife. Shows animosity from the beginning. You can get “worked up” and get some info out of her but also if you want an aggressive pathway because some of that info is well revealed later. Clothilde hates you. But she is the person you negotiate with in the end if Yves is humiliated or dead. She proposes the arrange marriage option for you or a marriage option if you are already with Stan and that is important in gaining some game achievements. If you chose the skeptics option she actually tries to appeal to your as she calls it cartesian mind and tries to make peace. Though she will curtly state to allow Yves to use your magical inheritance. Sly bitch. Solene Malterre: She is Yves and Clothile’s daughter, she is Stan’s sister and has a son. If you decide to talk to her after knowing some things in the end you can become her best friend as someone who genuinely cares about her. Interaction with her is severely limited. You get to know she is recently widowed. That she cares and loves her brother Stan and her son. She also is manipulated a lot by Yves and Clothilde. She may show animosity from you in the middle when you select a choice which she may find disrespectful. Though by the end she may hate you unless you choose an option to talk to her and be her friend.

Jean Chastenet: The director of the teacher you work with. If you decide to stay you can either topple him which will make him go on a drunken rage rant on about how he used to like your mother wants. Even if you just become another teacher he will mention it. Jean Chastenet also is present in crucial parts of the story that determine if you are taking the magic route or not. One of them is with having a parent call you a pagan and also another time about the accident where he wants to ask if you were responsible for it that determines some of what/who you are becoming.

Mrs. Bourtine: Is your housekeeper. Tells you all about your legacy and about many important histories. Helps you when certain episodes happen. In the end she reveals a lot of helpful information. About your magical legacy and inheritance. She actually cares a lot about you as her husband. How to respond to her later on in the game also determines which path you are taking. I mean if you will be a skeptic and work on a new career or well follow your magical inheritance.

Mr. Bourtine: Mrs. Bourtine’s husband and groundskeeper. If Frank stays he and this guy get along well :/ though Mr Bourtine is 100 time better than the douche. Mr Bourtine is old but strong and enjoys fishing and hunting. Carries a rifle for your protection and protects you and your property great. If you have a clash with Yves later on in the game when you are unveiling his treachery he will be there to support you and take on Yves. From the beginning, though he seems pleasant with Yves he does warn you about him and how you respond also determines your path.

The game does keep you occupied and you wanna learn things and do stuff. I hope they extend the storyline more. WHo knows allow you to date Frank even if you go those 2 routes and make him less bitchy and a complete non-asshole. Allow you to date someone new? Maybe even Solen. Some things you can get back or even do more stuff. I mean it has a lot more potential. I like this game. Sure, some things about it are kinda generic and stereotyping but other things are good.

How to Win an Argument With Your Misogynistic Boss – Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy.

Sometimes there are a few instances you get pretty annoyed and livid. When you meet dehumanising pieces of shit (I had to curse).

Below is a link Aussa Lorens about working with her boss. It is absolutely horrendous experience. I mean I was shocked he had a gall to say all of these things to his employee.

Then again one of my ex-bosses was a misogynist too. Not to mention not many men could also work with him because he had such a discourtesy for human decency and personal dignity. One of his longest employees is a man but that’s because he “acts dumb” in front of him to get by. No one can stay with him for long as he starts attacking your shortcomings like a shredder with paper.

That person also gave penalties to people for questioning him (maybe it was one time but it wasn’t right). One of his most talented employees was a woman and she had fights with him due to his pretty irrational and demeaning behaviour. There was once an incident where the young woman was so irate with him she said, “Perhaps, you should just give this article your name as you changed so much of it.” And he gave her a cold, stink eye and replied: “For the next couple of issues your name won’t be added to to your articles.” As in ity would just label “Staff Correspondent” or, something. That is the epitome of rudeness.

I digress. Going back to Aussa it seems her boss has hired her to just complain about women to her.

Boss: “You always do this. No matter what I say you’re going to come back and say it’s what I wanted or what I didn’t want.”

Me: “Wait. Are we talking about the same thing? It’s me, Aussa, your employee. Not the girl who dumped you when you were a freshman in college.”

Boss: “I know how women work. You’re all like this and you don’t even know. I’m very good at reading people, you would think it was funny if you could see how similar you all are.”

Me: *decides to just look at iPhone so he will stop talking*

I mean then wouldn’t that by correlation make all men alike as well?

Well, it continues to get worse:

“Watch how the waitress doesn’t even look up when the door opens. But all the men in here pay attention. It’s so funny to me how oblivious women can be. I guess it’s all evolutionary though— men are the ones who had to protect everyone. Women just needed to be a pretty thing to take back to your cave.”

It’s called waitressing. It’s a fucking job. She is not gonna look up all the time as she is fucking doing work like getting your fucking order. Many men workers in these kinds of services I have seen are impersonal fuck. It’s like if they get a better job their manners go with it at times. You know who are more helpful than women in these kinds of jobs? If you go to Morrisons in the UK, perhaps not all branches, or even Boots, you will see the male workers there will take your empty cups for you and stuff and not act holier than thou like some of the female employees I have met. They also don’t like you are POC but the men don’t care. Yeah, it’s not evolutionary. It’s how you are raised. Actually, one of my friends, who is male, said that men were considered more expendable at times as women bore children and took care of well the next generation (or, such is implied). Women also protected. Just because protection styles are different doesn’t mean they each had lesser value you horrible human being.

My Boss:“Well it’s a lot harder for us guys. Women just want to be provided for. I’ve read a lot of books about it. Women need security. But for us, we need someone who is fun to be around but then she has to be attractive or else we can’t help it if our eyes wander. Sometimes a girl is really cool but you just know that you’re going to end up sleeping with someone who’s better looking. But it’s in our biology.”

Me:*looks at iPhone so he will stop talking*

My Boss:“I know you don’t like to hear this, but I’m just being rational. You women always take things personally because you’re emotional, but I’ve read a lot of books about this topic.”

Let me  get this straight. You compare all women to be like well similar or same and then accuse Aussa for taking things personally when you started it. I have seen men lie to people and date (seen women do that too). Men considered less qualified than me in the so-called social strata get women from all walks of life be interested in them. You know who had trouble dating? Me. But you don’t see me blaming all men all the time to my employers or employees or even my friends. I mean many people don’t like me. They think either I am too childish, too flawed or not beautiful or matured enough. I mean if what this jerk said is true I should have had over million + dates like every other day even with his logic of disloyalty as I am said I am fun and funny. So, yeah even before migrating to another person a person should have a fling with me right? So, how come that doesn’t happen? It doesn’t happen because not all men and women are like a disgusting wreck like you, you stupid boss of misogyny and misandry.

Finally, if Aussa, a woman, is so fucking incompetent and it’s in her DNA why did you hire her? Why did you spend all this money on her as her employer? Why did she stay despite you being a jerk till now and try to help you? Why is it that she is the one you decided to complain about all women to? Are you scared saying this to someone of equal standing in the workforce? Are you afraid to say these things to a woman you wanna date?

Doesn’t that make you incompetent as fuck to hire her then? 

Shut your mouth you mollycoddled idiot. You just wanted a nanny not an employee.

 

via How to Win an Argument With Your Misogynistic Boss – Hacker.Ninja.Hooker.Spy.

Defeating Defeat

If I die tonight, would anyone care?
I choose to live tonight. Because I care.
And that is enough. That is enough.
That is enough. That is always enough—
these fuckers who feel they can unfriend me
block me, redact me, detract me, gossip me,
try to categorise me into think plates of fuck
that they eat through their asses should know
I am enough to decimate them if I start
howling a song, a fury, a sound, Faulkner’s gonna say
“Wow, I wanna fuck her!” — I am not a loose end to your charming story
I am not a thread to fill up your tattoo needed space — I am more than space
I am spatially allocated but go beyond that. Who the fuck do you think you are?
I am a fucking one as much as you. Privilege and poverty runs bare and wild in both
our veins — if I die tonight you will be die with me. I won’t die tonight. For I am encased
in depression — which makes me bleed. Which makes me bleed. I am numb but I bleed. I cry, I wail
I wail and breakdown then I stand up. I FIGHT FOR EACH FEET TO BE PLACED!

I won’t be dyed with death
death will be dyed by me — I think I heard those lines before. Death, not today.
Know me. I stand in the precipice. Linger in my life. I will linger in yours.
I may die many times before my death
But because I rose up
Death live with me
You bring gloomy clouds
I will bring rainbows
Without each other we are incomplete
So I am going to live
Know Life
For life is what they wanna deny me
like it was theirs to deny

I DENY THEM

EXISTENCE IN MY LIFE
EXIST ELSEWHERE MOTHERFUCKER FOOLS

I am a prism
I am a resurgence
I am cancer to your avarice
I am antidote to your envy
I am jalapeno that can eat your jealousies

I am me.
Broken
Scarred
Scratched
Feathered
And Tarred
Yet like oil I am valuable as fuck
My saliva, froth, rabid to live
washes away the tar

I am immortal for I am human.—

late night interruptive prosaic sounds like prozac don’t it

I get sick many times; late night philanderer of obscure matrices of thoughts
buoyant-dandy in the streets, gothic urban pavements, of my own creation
“own” here is a complicated word; I did not know I made them
involuntary chemicals and imagination spasms did. I am not sure
What needs to be done amongst them — I wrote the capital “W”
in the “what” right now as a serendipitous affair — it was a shift of my sick-at-the-moment
fingers that accidentally caused me to do so — meaning there are unconscious lisps in me
glad my fingers are fluidly perfect in their imperfection. It took me like 3 hours or more to write this because I was interrupted, by Youtube, reading and other conversations — and cognition and cogitation — persuasive, that word I got from Kendrick Lamar’s “Money Trees” . I am a mosaic on many integrations and I integrate too — in cyberspace, physical spatial syntax, my tongue quivers, my breath vibrates — I roar with my being. Sick but not defeated.—

Not everyone will like you — Medium

via Not everyone will like you — Medium.

One day, you find a yellow orchid in your room

But you don’t like orchids

A week later, the orchid starts flourishing

But you still don’t like orchids

Two weeks later you notice a golden reflection on its surface

You start disliking the orchid a little less

A month later, you bow to the orchid

For despite your dislike the orchid kept flourishing

And just like the orchid not everyone is going to like you

But as you continue flourishing many will admire you

I really loved this poem I saw in the Blogging platform Medium. I mean this was one of the best pieces I read today (though I didn’t read much today or any day, my reading is as daft and dry as  an iguana in a snowman outfit). I really know this does feel true. Not being liked is a case that is  considered quite important — two other stories seem to capture my attention focusing on likeability a) Mark Zuckerberg, the founder and maker of Facebook, has willingly become homeless to prove a point for likeability (he did it to have solidarity with homeless people) and b) NHS gets both critical feedback and admiration after Justin Bieber endorses for it. The second story has probably more to do with national health care than likeability but the NHS is a subject of much talked about criticism. If you ever lived in the UK or visited it for a long period of time you will know funding the NHS is a mammoth issue. And funding on it depends on likeability to an extent (I can be wrong but I feel rather than know it to be that way).  Zuckerberg’s act followed his own criticism. Some of it is unfair. Others like the one by Mike Goldsmith, actually shows a better response:

Mark Zuckerberg making himself homeless is like a bulldog making himself a vegetarian. Selling stock ,buying a tent and deciding to camp out is not being homeless. Being homeless is when you lose everything, not give it up. It’s when you are forced to face the harshest elements of life by circumstance , not by choice. Camping out on a sidewalk, eating in a soup kitchen by choice isone thing but doing it as your only means of survival,that’s quite something else

I am sure Mark means well, but if he really wants to do something he should abandon these optics and do something that will really make a difference. With his resources he should do something to address the circumstances that put most of his new found friends on the street in the first place. He has the means to create and fund opportunities that would help a lot of people find new meaning and purpose. He could be a force behind new sources of rehab, retraining and jobs. Unfortunately, this “Look at me” optic is not the way to go.

So mark, If you really want to help, get off the street and actually do something that will make a difference. Stop acting like the lost little boy with to many toys and act more like the captain of innovation that you are….

That does make sense actually. We do get derailed to actually want “likeability” and this actually affects who we are. Like many people don’t talk about their editing processes feeling that likeability is focused on some template of genius. And that is true, we are all inculcated to believe the genius requires no effort. And for a while  I believed that too. Actually, the genius might need more effort in many things and that, with her/his innate vision, is genius is usually born and borne. I will readily admit that I had to read the comments’ sections and also the main article to get the gist of what was happening in the Bieber article (the article by Williams is a bit vague if you ask me because I didn’t read the title properly but I also feel it paces on ambiguous  terms without announcing its ambiguity because it probably doesn’t know what to think about itself; it is a bit divided and that is fine). However, most people won’t mention that for likeability. I am not always going to put likeability in parenthesis because likeability and “likeability” are both concrete and also elusive phenomenon. Everyday likeability and the major form of “likeability” (as a collective or pouring into theme) is faced by all of us. We may not know it but many or some of our actions are based on likeability and “likeability” — though it is true that some social etiquette and politeness should be taught many people overburden themselves with it all the time leading to overall ungratefulness. And this is where “likeability” and likeability actually does fail.

Jonathan Franzen wrote an article of being liked saying it was for cowards. The article also mentions Donald Trump but it was written in 2011 (Trump’s recent comments are more on the extreme scale than on any likeability or “likeability” scale: that is another topic. It is one thing to be disliked by going your own way and another to be disliked for racism, totalitarianism, extremism, plutocracy and oligarchic need for control in human interests which become reduced and violated as your own interests), so, it is more on how consumer culture is based on wanting to be liked more and it has nothing to do with love. Love is an adaptation, poetry in progress and motion, love is also constructive criticism, helping you reach great heights — liking is more about satiating some immediate need and moving on. Though that is important too the main thing I gleaned and developed my own way from this article is that you can’t have either/or: one extreme corrupts the balance you have for yourself. We must do things we like but we must also be challenged and become finer, polished beings, so we require that love too, tough or soft, it’s a need and ultimately a want for us as humans.

As some short stories on depression show in Medium that liking, even for a gift, after a point fails. I put in part of the story down below:

“Karen! Guess what?” he asks excitedly.

I look at him to acknowledge his question.

“I got you an iPhone 5 instead of 4!”

I consider this. I consider him –– his face lit up in excitement and anticipation of my reaction. I feel nothing.

“Pretty cool, right?” he says as he hands me the box.

I take the box from him and shimmy it open to reveal the iPhone nestled in itspackaging. As I lift it from its shell and examine the polished design, I think about how I should be grateful.

“Thank you, daddy,” I say because it is the right thing to say. But I still feel nothing. It takes a Herculean effort to force the corners of my mouth up.

Thoughts wander aimlessly through my mind. I think about how my dad is trying so hard to make me happy. I think about how disappointed my lack of reaction must be. I think about how if I felt any emotion, I would feel guilty for being unable to show him happiness. Guilty for not having accepted his gift with more grace and grandeur.

The pain in this piece is obvious. After a point likeability can fail. To a person suffering depression liking, likeability and “likeability” fails big time. Because there are times, like when is depressed or suffering from depression, no gift can really cheer you up.

Well, likeability and “likeability” in themselves can be complicated issues but no matter how complicated the complex in you has a greater chance fate and faith to win. Because we were all made to be uniques in and with and within a collective. So, we are born into a middle-ground many a times. Unless, you truly want extremity or it is dished out on via circumstances, I don’t think you have to worry on it being your identity too much though another reality is it is hard not to worry too much either. We just have to find frequencies that work for us.

The orchid at the beginning of the poem may have blossomed elsewhere or change its pot and dirt; but as long as its reached this state it’s fine even if no one admired it immediately for it or at all. The thing is some honest things won’t be admired either but you can choose if that is something you can live without being appreciated for: whether you can or cannot doesn’t also determine your worth; you may be living a different life and may have different needs. When I was younger I read the dialogue between Jane Eyre and Helen Burns pertaining to this likeability and “likeability” (the novel itself tracing a lot around it) — I suspected that Burns was wrong when she thought Eyre’s humiliation publicly in their boarding school should not matter as long as God still loved her. I wasn’t wrong in thinking Helen Burns was wrong but I was wrong in thinking she totally was. Burns is not totally wrong. To her, this sort of humiliation did not matter, she was older than Eyre and probably had faced this form of torment previously, she has known that people can be stupid and hypocritical and cruel. But she is wrong to seem desensitised to it and not understanding Jane Eyre’s younger self’s need of acceptance and also how justice needed to be served there which only honesty and truth could help prevail in it. Yet, at the same time Jane Eyre should know that getting their aproval should not be her end goal. Both have right arguments in that debate. It was the frequency, the extent of each voice in it, that needed to be understood and possess a corrected pitch.

I would like to conclude with someone’s poem, who is at the moment, my favourite poet on the internet:

If there’s a tic in your toc

It wasn’t me – I am afraid

Of its –  r.a.p.i.d.n.e.s.s

Especially when running

So very – f.u.c.k.i.n.g – late

This poem by Mari Sanchez Cayuso is called Time. Someone in the comments stated that the use of expletives helps the piece. I agreed. If Mari was only vouching for likeability and “likeability” alone she may have exempted from it (though the young adult phenomenon of doing anything one wants is actually more with the grain than against it – that is also a separate topic; I just hinted on it). Yet, this piece is  hers and honesty and truth on her conditions and beings is always why I loved and liked Mari’s poems. I guess, in her own way, she has shown a great balance in her for both things.